Cry fest

Hi. So, I had a little cry fest the other night with some of the only people that I feel I CAN cry around. Side note: When I cry I feel like I make an ugly face, particularly in the mouth area of my face, and I don't really know what to do with my hands. I ended up poking my nose repeatedly and thinking "Why the H... am I poking my nose?" I'm not a crier. Most of the time when life gets stressful, I am prone to laughing attacks. But, I think I was in the midst of coming to some realizations, and those are sometimes hard.

Micah and I committed to praying for a couple days for God's will and direction with the whole house sale thing. But, when I sat down to pray, I had absolutely nothing to say. I sometimes think that prayer needs to be this thing that is all nice and sweet and mooshy and leaves you and God feeling better about your relationship. But that isn't true for human relationships, and it wasn't true here. Instead, I was surprised when I began telling God that I am frustrated and angry. And it made me cry to be so honest with God and, also, to be that honest with myself. I realized as I continued to pray that I get it. I let my house be the thing that consumed me. That thing that got my heart. And now, after everything that I have invested, I am being asked to give it away, and not only give it away, but give it away and sacrifice my credit score! But, I also came to the realization (while I was telling God how frustrated and angry I am) that giving the house away represents something bigger than a bad credit score. It means for me that there is no longer anything holding me here. And that forces me to face the much bigger sacrifice of having to say good bye to friends that are like family, and watch my kids make those same sacrifices.

Praying for God's will is a funny thing. Because sometimes I just might not want to know. I ignore what I hear and keep praying for a different answer. Or I just get confused! How do you really know? That's when God makes it exceedingly clear, I guess. Or he did for me. Here's how: right after praying that morning (when I was fuming a little bit), our family devotions ask "why do you think people are sometimes slow to step out to serve God?" Or next day topic "The search for God's will" where it says "our job is not to hunt for the secret will of God, but to do what God has clearly told us to do." (Riiiight.) Or, I open a Francis Chan book (same day) to a quote that says "I think dwelling on God's plan for the future often excuses us from faithful and sacrificial living now. It tends to create a safe zone of sorts, where we can sit around and have "spiritual" conversations about what God "might" have planned for our lives. Thinking, questioning and talking can take the place of letting the Spirit affect our immediate actions in radical ways. God wants to see His children stake everything on His power and presence in their lives." So, there you go. I know that God's will for my family is to start thriving churches in the city of Seattle. God's call was very clear, and he continues to pull everything together...up there. The only thing keeping us here is the house.

So, we've decided to stake everything on Him and we've begun the process of a short sale. It's crazy, I feel pretty relieved. There is no more question on what His will is in this process...because I'm sure this has been it all along. I just didn't want to hear it, because it went against what I thought I knew of God and what he would ask of us. But, I also was reminded (in another devotional) that He did ask a man to marry a hooker once. So, He's not always so predictable.