Friday, September 3, 2010

Damn! I'm wishy washy!

Once again, it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry if you've missed me! Pfft...(cyber laugh). I guess I need and will be better about getting on this thing. Anywho, not much has changed, but some cool stuff has happened. Here's the latest:

I think I hit a low point this week. I woke up feeling anxious about EVERYTHING! Here's the sitch: I've been doing P90x this summer, and it is a butt kicker. But, not only am I doing that, I'm also training for a 1/2 marathon in October. So on top of running, I've been putting in some serious time rolling around on the floor trying to do push ups, pull ups and sit ups that really turn into me making carpet angels all around the basement. So, you can imagine how very upset I was to get on the scale and have gained a pound! What the...? On top of that, no news with our house. And this whole transition thing is getting a lot crazy. So, when Micah asked me (when I told him of my anxieties) if I wanted to pray with him. I gave him a pretty adamant NO. And here's why (and what I told him). God is going to move us when he moves us, and all our prayers don't seem to be very effective in expediting that, so I am frustrated. And no, I don't want to pray about it!

Side note: I think from my upbringing I tend to be a little superstitious and/or formulaic about God and the way he moves. I tend to think that by my doing something down here, it will automatically force God to act. I just have to figure out that thing that I need to it praying at the same time every day? Is it fasting at just the right time for the perfect amount of time? Is it reading my bible every day? And if I don't do any of these things, then will God act at all?

So, back to the previous story. I was down, discouraged, anxious, frustrated and pretty adamant about not praying. So, I didn't. But, as Micah and I were talking in the front seat about our shared anxieties, we had an eavesdropper. EJ (our oldest) heard us, and prayed right there in the back seat, told God how we were all feeling hopeless and asked if he could send someone to look at our house. Sure enough, we got a call that night from a realtor to set up a time 2 days later at 3:30.

The same night that someone came to look at our house, I had a dream that I ran into someone picking up a house flyer while I was bringing in my mail. I started to chat with her, and she told me she was the one who had looked through the house the day before but wasn't sure that this house was where God wanted her...and the conversation stuck with me when I woke up. (I also dreamed that Francis Chan was speaking for Compass and it was in this outside grass stadium. And right in the middle of his talk, ran and tackled and pile drove my friend that I was walking with...but I'm pretty sure that didn't mean anything.) Anywho, I woke up and told Micah of the dream and he said that he had woken up with a very strong drive to pray for the people that had come through our house, that maybe they were undecided or something. That's weird. But, in my superstitious/formulaic way, I asked Micah if we should then fast all day for that. (disclaimer: please don't hear me saying that there is anything wrong with prayer, reading your bible, or fasting. I think there is something wrong in the way I view it). We didn't. Instead, we sat down to eat breakfast with our kiddos and told them about my dream, Micah's feelings and prayers that morning, and prayed with them for the people that looked through our house the day before. By the time we got done praying (which is pretty quick when you have 3 hungry kids), there was an email from our realtor. He passed on a message from the realtor the day before. The lady loved it, but her husband, who hates older homes, was not able to walk through it with her. And she would like to walk him through this one, but it wouldn't be until after the 11th. So, there you have it. Finally some good news instead or super negative feedback (or no feedback at all)!

I think what I realize in my little story is this: although I was stone walling God, he returned that with grace. My formulas and superstitions would lead me to believe that I should have been punished for acting like a spoiled child who isn't getting what they want. But God isn't a formula or a superstition, and instead taught me a bit about his grace. (Its never about the house, is it?) While I was giving him the silent treatment, he loved this family enough to bring us a little glimpse of hope when we were feeling hopeless. He was gracious enough with EJ to answer his prayer, and he was beyond gracious to me by giving me a dream that spelled out for me what I needed to pray for, then again to give such a quick answer to that prayer. God can take our frustrations, and our anxieties when they're directed at him. It just amazes me at how he chooses to deal with them. Its pretty counterintuitive in my tiny head.

P.S. P90x didn't have much to do with this story, it just made me mad cause it hurts. I'm still doing it, though. You know, just in case you wonder! (look for pics of my hot body later to come!)