Thursday, October 20, 2011

My boy

You know that old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" You might have noticed it's been a while since I've been on here...Butt! Here I am. Not because I have all kinds of nice things to say, but because I haven't said anything in so long! And, honestly? I think that saying is kind of stupid. I think we hold back way too much because we're so concerned with being "nice", when maybe we need to try on a little honesty. (Just don't direct it at me. I might smack your honest face--just kidding). Smacking faces isn't what I want to talk about though...although it would be a pretty fun topic. Maybe next time.

I've started another year of homeschooling with my kids. I have high hopes that this year will be so much better than last year. (I was amazed at my aptitude towards grumpiness last year). We are part of a public school for homeschooling families. Basically, you get to pick and choose from a wide variety of classes to involve your children in. Last year, it was metal arts, pottery, martial arts, musical theater, etc. THIS YEAR, I've enrolled them in the classes that we spent so much time fighting over last year...math, science, language arts, etc. and I get to be the one to do the fun stuff with them. It seems to be working out. I have pretty awesome kids. If you haven't met them, you really are missing out and you probably should get to know them. If you have met know what I'm talking about. They're incredible people.

Here's the thing, little rant, if-you-will. As great as this school has been for classes and what-not, it's weird. We've been here for almost a year now, and we still have not been able to break into the little cliques of parents and students. We've tried. While Zeke was in musical theater, he made a little friend who he thought was pretty cool. So, he called him to try and invite him over. He didn't call back. So, he called him over spring break to invite him over. He never called back...they were gone on vacation. So, he tried to call him several times over the summer. He never returned one phone call. Here's the long do I let him keep pursuing a friend who doesn't seem to be responding? And why doesn't that mother teach that boy to at least have the courtesy to return a phone call? (It makes me mad at that mom, too. I think I end up putting some of the blame of my son's loneliness on her parenting...but, yeah. Not so reasonable on my part.) It breaks my heart to know that my most social child is consumed with a painful loneliness. And as a mom, there's nothing I can do to make it happen.

I sat across from him at lunch the other day. (First of all, what 10 year old wants to sit with their mom at lunch?) I watched him as he watched his brother and sister go off and have lunch with their new friends. And then he sighed...really heavy.
"What's wrong, Zeke?"
"Oh, nothing..."
"Why the heavy sigh?"
"I just wish I had some friends to hang around with..."
I had to fight hard not to cry at that moment. It's amazing to me how you can feel so lonely while surrounded by so many people.

So, I find myself asking the question. What is wrong with us? Why is this so hard to break in to? To be honest, I've never really had a problem making friends or even having people want to be my friend and Zeke is the same way! So this is kind of a blow. It makes me wonder if something happened to us in the process of the move to make us undesirable to potential friends. Did we turn into nerds all of a sudden? Aren't nerds cool right now? Is it that I'm NOT a nerd? Do I not look friendly? Do I look too grouchy? Am I acting like I'm too awesome for everyone so no one wants to approach me? AM I too awesome for these people? (-just joking). Are my clothes ugly? Is it my hair? Is it my freckles? Do I stink? Do I smell intimidatingly too good? What's wrong with us? Is there something wrong with me?

A part of me has to wonder though, with how unusually hard its been to break in, if this is just not where God has intended me to be. I wonder if I would never be comfortable in this environment, because He has plans for me somewhere else?

I think that answer will be coming soon as we see God clearing the way for us to move on down (this weekend!) to the neighborhood where we will be planting a church. Stay tuned for that. Until then, pray for my boy. I would love for God to bring him a buddy.

1 comment:

  1. I know your feelings well. I hate pushing myself into situations awkwardly, just so I won't be lonely. (especially in cliquey groups, like homeschoolers, or gasp, church sometimes) I will be praying hard for Zeke. I'm there a little bit with Mikayla. It's way harder on them!