I'm not sure what to call this one...

Hello Everyone!!

So, I just got back from a pastor's renewal retreat in Cannon Beach. I know. It sounds "pastor-y", and it was. I kind of had a little panic attack the first night. First of all, we had about a 9 hour drive (from Wenatchee), so we walked in late to the speaker. And it was crowded. So we climbed over this one guy to find seats. I was wearing my Michelin Tire Man coat, but it was too crowded to take it off without elbowing everyone around me in the face, so I kept it on and became very claustrophobic. So, I started panicking! I got all hot and squirmy in my seat, and totally resisted the urge to bolt out of there! That's what happens to me at conferences like that! What's my deal? Talking with any of these people one on one is perfectly fine and comfy! And I knew a lot of them...and they are all awesome people! But, you put a bunch of pastors in a group and it stresses me out. Anywho, that doesn't have anything to do with anything. Except that the time away allowed me the space to make a couple of realizations.

First of all, the speaker was Ruth Haley Barton. She is the author of "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership". Now, this might come as a surprise to many of you, but I haven't read the book. Probably because the title is "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership"...and I don't know really what that means, and I'm not really in leadership. However, she was inspiring (and a little intimidating)! But, she had us take this test to draw attention to the state of our souls that asked questions like: Do you find yourself hiding from people that you run into in the grocery store?...Do you find yourself using escapist behaviors like mindless television? Do you find that you are easily irritated? And we had to check off Always, Often, Sometimes, Rarely, Never. I have to say...most of my answers (out of about 20) were in the "always" to "often" range! So, as we sat there and analyzed my little test, my first realization of the week was: MY SOUL IS SCREWED!! Now, I'm not sure what to do about this yet (as I was barfing the next day when she gave us the "what to do about your screwed up soul" talk)...but I plan on looking into and working on the health of my soul...I guess its a starting point to just know, right? Rather than to go on wondering why you're so worn down, yelling at bad drivers and my children, hiding from people in grocery stores then coming home to veg out to Spongebob Squarepants! So...more to come on that journey!

The second realization came on the 9 hour drive to the beach. I was talking to Micah and I realized (and verbalized) I don't know who I am up here in Seattle. I'm just DOING some stuff, some of it intentionally, but mostly just doing...And, it's a weird place to be. But, not only that, I also find myself fighting against people's expectations of who they think I should be. Here's some examples:

"Are you going to the women's Bible Study?"

"There's a great Sunday School class for you and Micah to go to..."

"Why isn't your child in Sunday School? Does he want to go to Sunday School? Would you like me to show you where his Sunday School is?"

"Do you go to B.S.F (Bible Study Fellowship)?"

The answer to all these is NO!! I am not interested in women's bible studies or MOMS groups...I hate BSF...I am not interested in Sunday school and if my children aren't either, I don't blame them and won't make them go! But so far, I have been afraid to say so. And instead, I'm glad I have an excuse not to attend! I'm even hesitant to help with worship because I think it furthers the "box" that people put me in as a pastors wife. The fact is, for some reason, God has chosen to use my openness, my honesty, my humor, my openness of my unlimited number of shortcomings and even my contempt of "church-y" things to draw people in to a relationship with Jesus.

Please understand, I DO think that there is a place for women's bible studies and I've seen MOMS groups change entire families. (I'm not too sure about BSF or Sunday school though as I think it is a way to "hoarde" or "quarantine" mature Christians and keep them from engaging with people who might be far from God). I'm just pretty sure that is not what God has called ME to. And believe me, I've tried and even led them. I believe that God is graciously using my shortcoming and the crazy way He's put me together to show those who might not know the grace of Jesus that He not only loves and accepts the extremely imperfect, He uses them to break down barriers, to blow away expectations and prejudices, and to further His Kingdom.

The New Year?

Well, Happy New Year!

As I write this we are driving back from Great Wolf Lodge.It was supposed to be a "celebratory destination" for our house selling and the end to all the transition stuff... But, since our house STILL hasn't closed (we're hoping it'll close at some point in 2011), it was a Christmas present....we had a blast!! It was so very nice to get away and just play with our kids. I think we all needed that. There's something about just playing with our kiddos that refuels me and helps me appreciate each of them where they are at. I also realized how perfect God's plan is even when we think "oh...woops".

Here's what I mean: Micah and I were married for a mere 5 months before we found ourselves pregnant with our 1st baby...EJ. (Keep in mind that at this point, I think I still had Micah convinced that I didn't fluff or stink or poop. Or I had myself convinced that Micah was convinced...so barfing my guts out and trying to squeeze so as not to fluff which only resulted in a super high squeaking noise, kind of shattered the dainty persona I was trying to create). Yeah. I barfed for 9 months with that guy. But, here's the woops. For those of you who don't know me, or might not know...my first 2 children, EJ and Hannah, are 11 months apart. (If you're not very good at math...that means that I was pregnant again when EJ was 2 months old) I guess I didn't think that was a possibility. WOOPS!...As you might have read 2 sentences ago, I BARFED FOR 9 MONTHS so I was super scared about going through all that again, and I cried for a part of that day. Don't get me wrong...I firmly believe that every child is a miracle, and I NEVER think that children are accidents...just unexpected surprises. And I KNOW that I am so blessed to have each and every one of them, And I wouldn't ever want to change anything. At the time, though, I was scared and a little embarassed (I told Micah not to tell anyone for a while because I was afraid that they would think that THAT's all we did...you know, since we didnt have a TV). BUT, I had 2 babies...11 months apart. And after Hannah, I thought I was doing pretty good once 2 months passed and I wasn't pregnant and then every following month that I wasnt pregnant...and then came Zeke! A little less than 3 years later. Which, in comparison seemed like a huge gap!

Anywho, as I stood huffing and puffing at the top of 5 flights of stairs at Great Wolf Lodge this week, waving to the 3 of them riding the "Howling Tornado" together, I realized how what might seem to me like an "oops" was God's provision for my children. This transition to Seattle has seemed long and lonely at times. And on certain days, my heart breaks for my kid's loneliness and longing for friends...but 13 years ago, God knew what the plan was today, and gifted us accordingly. While it is important for my kids to have friends outside of the family, God first gave them each other.And maybe during this season, that is the most important lesson to be learning.

Christmas 2010.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

OK. I just want to show off my cutie kiddos...and the fun that they found in their stockings! We sent them on a scavenger hunt to find their final "big" present...here's how it went.

Opening Stockings:

FINDING THEIR NEXT CLUE...

CLUE #3!!

CLUE #4

CLUE #5

CLUE #6

YAY!! A trip to Great Wolf Lodge is in our future!! We promised the kids we'd do something fun when all the stress of the house was over and done. And, our house is supposed to close at the beginning of this week. SO, Yahoo!! Time to celebrate and leave the difficulties of this year behind us and look forward to the exciting things ahead!! And I will try to keep you all posted more frequently...it's my New Years Resolution, if that makes you feel any better. Oh. And here is some more Christmas pictures of my kiddos, I just think they're so cute.

WATCHING THE SUN SET ON CHRISTMAS DAY...

So, That's what happened with us...I'm also not sure why my lettering turned blue. But...whatevs. Merry Christmas!!

HELLOOOO!!

HELLOOOO!!

Wow. It's REALLY been a while since my last blog. But, I have some pretty good excuses. First, we moved. And, that's exhausting. Second, we didn't have internet for what seemed like a long time and now that we finally do, we don't have a wireless router so I need to blog in the office, where, OH YEAH! I don't yet have a desk! So, here I sit in my circle-y chairs, balancing my laptop on my lap while trying to stay connected!!

Anywho, I'll get down to the nitty gritty. As you may have read, we had an offer on our house back in September. It took the bank 45 days to even assign a negotiator, and now we are scheduled to close on or before the 23rd of December. I know that seems like a very brief summary. And it is. To go into detail on the craziness that this whole short sale process has been (not to mention all my feelings, emotions and life lessons that I'd need to share), would be stinkin' long. It would also require me to remember a lot, and I'm just not super good at that. So, yahoo!! I can't quite put in words how excited and ready I am to be done with the whole process!!

What I DO want to share is everything that's been happening in the mean time! We have been blown away by the warm welcome and generosity from the people at North Seattle Alliance. But, I have to let you in on a little secret. I don't know if its a phobia? or a prejudice? Or a combo of both...a phobjudice? I don't know. But, it's against old people. They scare me. I've had so many encounters with them saying off the wall, hurtful things, that this phobjudice is not unfounded. Also, they drive bad and are a cause of a lot of serious vehicle injuries. Anywho, all that to say, NSA is very gray. HOWEVER, I have been so blown away by their warm welcome of my family, their kindness, and their generosity that I'm starting to think that God might have brought me here to teach me a little somethin' instead of bringing us up here to school them. You know, things I might need to practice more of...like grace and patience? And other things like the importance that everyone, in spite of age or race, plays in furthering his Kingdom? Hmmm... it makes you think. I'll keep you posted on my old people fears. Oh. And don't judge me. Micah fears middle aged women...he also has good reason.

So, for those of you who wonder, our family is adjusting. My kids still haven't found good friends, and that makes me sad. But, they've started swimming, youth group and other stuff. So, we're hoping for some "friend" opportunities! OR "friendtunities".

I do miss all you guys down in the "Couv". I feel like no one up here really gets my jokes. And for those of you who know me at all...that's very important to me. I don't expect others to be funny...just to laugh at (or with) me. At the appropriate times. At the appropriate decibel level. But that's pretty much the only requirement I have for a friend...laugh. Oh, and don't say mean things to me. And if you do, don't be all mad if I punch you in the ovaries. That's all. I miss laughing with all of you. And I miss the serious stuff too.

New House!

I never know how to start these stinkin' blogs. I feel like I should hook you with something catchy, but WE FOUND A HOUSE!! YAY!!

We've been up and back from Seattle for Micah's job quite a bit lately. And every time, we try to squeeze in some appointments to look for rentals. And every time, I come home so depressed! The houses that we were looking at were soo crappy! We did find one that could have worked, but Micah was super grossed out by the kitchen (I was too, I just think paint fixes everything). It was super grimy (to the touch...ew.). The fridge was in this sawed out hole in the wall of what must have been the pantry, and sat about 2 feet up off of the floor with a big ol' creepy gap above it (it looked like mice, rats and spiders would be very comfy up there). But, it had a pool AND a hot tub, which was a huge selling point for my kiddos (and me, to be honest). But, it was so green and full of algae, that if they jumped (or fell) in, we'd never see them again! What is up with me and loving gross old houses? Because I really do. This house was like ours BEFORE all the work we did on it. Micah talked me out of that one, though. And it was the only one I kind of liked. After that, we went on to look at 4 more. 2 of which were still occupied by tenants. Here's a little tidbit: When people are renting, they don't clean up before people come to look through. Why would they? So, we found ourselves climbing over people's boxes and laundry to poke around THEIR house. It was really quite awkward. But, what makes it depressing is coming home to my own house after those unsuccessful house hunts. It brings up all those feelings of giving everything up. And I have to make that choice all over again. It's hard and it's depressing.

In fact, when we got back from this particular trip, I had a little melt down. I was done looking for houses. I was done trying to move. I was done giving up everything in my life and, at the time I was done being in ministry. It is too hard. But, don't worry. It doesn't end there. I say these things, then God does some stuff in me to help me see things a little more clearly.

As I was throwing in the towel, it hit me again how stinkin' wishy washy I am. Just 2 days before, as we were stressing about money for kid's clothes, etc., a friend of ours just showed up at the door with a little gift that his father-in-law (who we don't really know that well) wanted to give us. There is no question that that is God's provision. Because we've seen God work like this over and over again. And I am first to give God credit for these provisions. But, I am also so quick to forget when times get really frustrating. I had just shared this little story with someone Sunday morning, and by Sunday night was throwing in the towel on ministry. That's a problem. And it made me realize that I've made this transition harder on myself. I've not pursued my relationship with God, I've let it go. I can't help but think that had I remembered how He has shown up every time we've needed something, then when times got really frustrating and hard I would have that to hold on to, to remember, and to look for. I just chose not to remember. And that filled this transition with a whole heck of a lot of doubt and questioning rather than just waiting and getting to see how God works this stuff out.

A couple of years ago, I went through this little thing called focused living. It's pretty intense. I spent 3 days with 5 women in a hotel room going through this program in which you write down your whole life line on sticky notes with every memory you can remember, good or bad. Then you put those in order, along with some other stuff, and you see God's thumbprint on your life, what your gifts might be and how God might want to shape your future. Anyways, that's the super tiny nutshell version...not the point. The point is, going through that was the first time that I felt OK with who God had made me. Because he had a purpose for me, and I didn't have to be any one else. The way He shaped my life was specific to a purpose he had given me. I think that He created me to be a little goofy and wild, a little "outside the box", a "loose cannon" (as Micah says), for the purpose that He's laid out for both Micah and I. What does this have to do with anything? While I was going through my little tantrum and wanting to throw in the towel, I had 2 very good friends going through focused living at the same time. Both of which came over, and both of which God used to remind me of the purpose he's given me and how fortunate I am to live out that purpose with Micah.

Maybe some of you are feeling sorry for Micah right now? Because I'm so wishy washy? And sometimes don't want to do churchy stuff anymore? You probably should. I did. I realized too, that every time I threaten to quit, it's a blow to him and not only his career choice, but the life that God has called him to. Its like saying I no longer want to support what he is doing, and he can go it alone. And that was never the wife I intended to be. Micah is my best friend. I love that guy so stinkin' much and have the utmost respect for the man and the leader that he is to me, to my family and to the people around him. He is amazing. And, for whatever reason, he loves me and is incredibly patient with me. I think that God allowed me to be hit pretty hard with the truth of what my words might do to Micah's heart. And it made me sad. But, it also gave me hope. Because I see now what I am doing and the hurt that I am causing. But I am more hopeful because my God is a God that you can come back to and start over with...and so is my husband. Just so you all know, in case you're worried about us...don't be. Or do be. At least be worried enough to continue to pray for us. I think that Satan would love to yoink us apart. And, apparently I'm an easy target.

ANYWHO! Back to the house thing. Yes. We found one. After "the meltdown" we went back up to go house hunting 2 days later. After being frustrated every time we had been looking, we prayed and asked God for some clarity. And KaBLAM. The first house we looked at was hopeful and really quite beautiful. There were so many things that were perfect for our family...a huge kitchen (all 5 of us cook together sometimes and it gets kinda crowded), 4 bedrooms (the boys can't share a room...they're like oil & water), off of the interurban trail that runs from Everett through Seattle (we run...and bike), new construction (no fix ups!), and across the cul de sac from a Wetlands area! Looks like we're moving in November 1! Woohoo.

As far as what's up with the sale of our house, can we catch up next blog? It's a long story and a total pain in my bumcakes.

Next time...

Damn! I'm wishy washy!

Once again, it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry if you've missed me! Pfft...(cyber laugh). I guess I need and will be better about getting on this thing. Anywho, not much has changed, but some cool stuff has happened. Here's the latest:

I think I hit a low point this week. I woke up feeling anxious about EVERYTHING! Here's the sitch: I've been doing P90x this summer, and it is a butt kicker. But, not only am I doing that, I'm also training for a 1/2 marathon in October. So on top of running, I've been putting in some serious time rolling around on the floor trying to do push ups, pull ups and sit ups that really turn into me making carpet angels all around the basement. So, you can imagine how very upset I was to get on the scale and have gained a pound! What the...? On top of that, no news with our house. And this whole transition thing is getting a lot crazy. So, when Micah asked me (when I told him of my anxieties) if I wanted to pray with him. I gave him a pretty adamant NO. And here's why (and what I told him). God is going to move us when he moves us, and all our prayers don't seem to be very effective in expediting that, so I am frustrated. And no, I don't want to pray about it!

Side note: I think from my upbringing I tend to be a little superstitious and/or formulaic about God and the way he moves. I tend to think that by my doing something down here, it will automatically force God to act. I just have to figure out that thing that I need to do...is it praying at the same time every day? Is it fasting at just the right time for the perfect amount of time? Is it reading my bible every day? And if I don't do any of these things, then will God act at all?

So, back to the previous story. I was down, discouraged, anxious, frustrated and pretty adamant about not praying. So, I didn't. But, as Micah and I were talking in the front seat about our shared anxieties, we had an eavesdropper. EJ (our oldest) heard us, and prayed right there in the back seat, told God how we were all feeling hopeless and asked if he could send someone to look at our house. Sure enough, we got a call that night from a realtor to set up a time 2 days later at 3:30.

The same night that someone came to look at our house, I had a dream that I ran into someone picking up a house flyer while I was bringing in my mail. I started to chat with her, and she told me she was the one who had looked through the house the day before but wasn't sure that this house was where God wanted her...and the conversation stuck with me when I woke up. (I also dreamed that Francis Chan was speaking for Compass and it was in this outside grass stadium. And right in the middle of his talk, ran and tackled and pile drove my friend that I was walking with...but I'm pretty sure that didn't mean anything.) Anywho, I woke up and told Micah of the dream and he said that he had woken up with a very strong drive to pray for the people that had come through our house, that maybe they were undecided or something. That's weird. But, in my superstitious/formulaic way, I asked Micah if we should then fast all day for that. (disclaimer: please don't hear me saying that there is anything wrong with prayer, reading your bible, or fasting. I think there is something wrong in the way I view it). We didn't. Instead, we sat down to eat breakfast with our kiddos and told them about my dream, Micah's feelings and prayers that morning, and prayed with them for the people that looked through our house the day before. By the time we got done praying (which is pretty quick when you have 3 hungry kids), there was an email from our realtor. He passed on a message from the realtor the day before. The lady loved it, but her husband, who hates older homes, was not able to walk through it with her. And she would like to walk him through this one, but it wouldn't be until after the 11th. So, there you have it. Finally some good news instead or super negative feedback (or no feedback at all)!

I think what I realize in my little story is this: although I was stone walling God, he returned that with grace. My formulas and superstitions would lead me to believe that I should have been punished for acting like a spoiled child who isn't getting what they want. But God isn't a formula or a superstition, and instead taught me a bit about his grace. (Its never about the house, is it?) While I was giving him the silent treatment, he loved this family enough to bring us a little glimpse of hope when we were feeling hopeless. He was gracious enough with EJ to answer his prayer, and he was beyond gracious to me by giving me a dream that spelled out for me what I needed to pray for, then again to give such a quick answer to that prayer. God can take our frustrations, and our anxieties when they're directed at him. It just amazes me at how he chooses to deal with them. Its pretty counterintuitive in my tiny head.

P.S. P90x didn't have much to do with this story, it just made me mad cause it hurts. I'm still doing it, though. You know, just in case you wonder! (look for pics of my hot body later to come!)

The latest? (which isn't much)

Whoa. I haven't been on here in almost a month! And, sadly, there isn't all that much to report. In the last month the fam did a little mosquito battling/backpacking, Lake Chelan watersliding, a bit of Leavenworth sausage munching, some family hoo-ha, and then more family hoo-ha, went to Seattle, Micah had a meeting, went to the Woodland Park Zoo, drove around, came back from Seattle, and here we are! And, though there isn't that much happening, that's exactly what is causing some anxiety! Being in transition super sucks. (Except all the fun stuff up there...those were good times).

So here's the very latest: Our house is being lowered 5k every 2 weeks until it sells. (I'm kind of over that whole thing...I think I've made my peace with it. And thanks for listening on that one.)

As we were in Seattle, there was talk of Micah sharing a basement in some guy's house with Andy (the guy Micah will be working with for the next 2 years) a couple nights a week until we get a house up there! I just about barfed. That seems to me to be the last straw. I am ready to be apart from my friends, damage my credit and take a loss on my house, move to "who knows where" at "who knows when:30" and rent a house (so, probably no painting or knocking out walls), but to have my family separated for the majority of the week and weekends is not ok with me! I don't really know what else to say about it. Micah and I have often had arguments about ministry being "his job" vs. a "we're in this together" thing. This seems to me to drive home the "his job" side of it. It just seems so separate! It's hard to be "us" in that. (AND, I just really like to have that guy around! He is my best friend). But, all that gets me pretty nervous.

So, I guess there's some stuff going on, I just wish something was happening! There really doesn't seem to be a sign of a move on the horizon. And, I have to admit that I'm having a hard time keeping the faith that God will (not that he isn't capable) rise above the economy to make a way for us to get there. As a family, we've talked and come to the realization that aside from God stepping in and moving us, we cannot get there on our own! Stay tuned, though, I'm holding on to that mustard seed (by the way, we bought some mustard seeds and they are super small) of faith that God will step in and do something. I'm hoping to share it with you.